


Strawhat Logic

by Vortex82



Category: One Piece
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-27
Updated: 2017-06-01
Packaged: 2018-07-27 04:03:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7602676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vortex82/pseuds/Vortex82
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Law is subjected to Straw Hat Logic and clings to the hope it’s not too contagious.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Straw Hat Logic

**Author's Note:**

> A sort-of character study to the beat of the Stawhat drum for the sole purpose of raising a few giggles. Set sometime between Punkhazard and Dressrosa and rated for language - thank you for taking the time to read :)

# Straw Hat Logic

This was not a normal ship. Shit was way weirder here than the mysterious Florian Triangle could ever hope to achieve. Law had known the captain of the Straw Hat pirates was daft as a brush right from the start and this had of course been a clue as to the mental state of the rest of the crew, but he just could never have imagined they’d all manage to be quite as barking as they were independently of Luffy. No one could ever imagine, he thought with a shudder, no sane person had the capacity to even conceive of their levels of lunacy without having experienced it firsthand. The wildest dreams of a sane person would not come close to containing even half the things they did on a daily basis.

And it got worse. It was starting to affect Law. The Surgeon of Death had never felt a shiver of fear quite as cold as the one that raced down his spine now at the prospect that he might end up as just plain loopy as them if he remained in their company much longer. Before he had temporarily joined up with them he had never even once felt the urge to spontaneously proclaim his dislike of bread to the world.

They lashed immobile reindeers (coincidentally the ship’s doctor, of course) to his hat. When there was a need to move quickly, they instead declared a feast and partied until dawn (with marines, naturally). When a precision stealth strike was required, they barrelled in loudly through the front door screaming the exact reason for their presence. To them, breakfast was not a time to quietly eat and peacefully reflect before beginning the day, it was a freaking contact sport. And, to top it all off, they acted like everything they did was perfectly logical.

And this Straw Hat Logic was going to be the death of him; if not the death of him then at least his sanity. Regrettably, he feared his dignity was already forfeit. Even for him that was a hard thing to retain after being planted head-first in the grassy deck when Luffy had ‘saved’ him from being knocked overboard. It was the most violent, ill-coordinated and humiliating rescue he had ever been subjected to, and, just to make things perfectly clear, it had been entirely Luffy’s fault that he’d tumbled over the railing in the first damn place.

The captain of the straw hats was dangerous, and that was about all he knew for certain. Law was still trying to figure him out with very little success. He came off as a clueless idiot with no concept of decorum or subtlety, and was easily written off as a simple moron at first glance. However, simple morons did not get as far as he had come in the Grand Line and they did not command the level of loyalty and trust that Luffy did from his crew. There had to be more to him than that, there just had to be, which was why Law had considered the alliance to begin with – no matter how powerful they might be, he was not a man who contemplated allying himself to morons.

Then, one night when the ship was quiet and everyone else was asleep, Law had found himself alone with the straw hat captain on deck. They had talked briefly, and Law had known Luffy was in his serious place because he had not yet mentioned any sort of meat. Luffy spoke of strength and dreams and Law had been captivated by his tone, so serious and utterly different to his usual manner. This was it, he had thought, the moment of truth. He had chosen his words carefully, unconsciously clutched his sword tighter in anticipation, meaning to find out once and for all whether Monkey D Luffy was just the luckiest moron to ever sail the Grand Line or a free-spirited genius that hid his true prowess behind a facade of ridiculousness. And then, just when he’d been sure the answer was within his grasp, Luffy had broken out the nose chopsticks.

No, seriously; nose chopsticks.

Trafalgar Law, the Surgeon of Death and feared Shichibukai, had been subjected to two wooden sticks shoved right the fuck up his nose. 

He had lost count of the number of times this crew had rendered him speechless and gaping in horror but this occasion had immediately been carved into his memory against his will, right up there alongside the whole being planted headfirst in the lawn thing. He had been so shocked it was eight full seconds before he regained enough of his wits to think of removing the chopsticks, and by then Luffy had scampered off to rouse everyone else and declare a party because things had gotten way too quiet in his opinion.

Needless to say, Law had spent the duration of the impromptu party that followed stewing in a miasma of quiet fury and profound frustration – a state in which he often found himself after any sort of interaction with Luffy; and to a lesser extent the rest of the crew.

At first glance the crew’s swordsman was perfect; big, brawny and utterly intimidating with all his scars, three swords and the kind of bloodlust-steeped aura that a rabid honeybadger could only dream of aspiring to. Law had actually been impressed, right up until the first time he’d seen the man get lost. On the way to the bathroom. On his own damn ship. After Law had given him directions... twice.

Seriously, what the fuck?

Then, a few hours later after successfully locating the bathroom, he’d fallen asleep on deck and snored like a thunderstorm while cuddling a fluffy little reindeer and Law had mentally thrown up his hands that somehow in the space of two hours the scariest mother-budger on the whole crew had managed to reclassify himself as a cute idiot.

That had lasted all of a few minutes until the cook had tripped over his legs, followed by a round of frankly vulgar shouting over whose fault it was – whether Zoro was camouflaging himself in the grass on purpose or Sanji was just an idiot – and then a pretty epic battle that no one else seemed concerned by, beyond moving plates and glasses absently out of the way of slicing blades, flaming kicks and stumbling bodies. Law had come to the unnerving conclusion that this was normal behaviour for Zoro and the hair-trigger blond, and sure enough the fight had stopped as suddenly as it had started without notable breakage for no apparent reason and both men had gone back to their previous activities, each looking a bit more relaxed.

Sanji had twirled to lovingly serve the ladies, hearts in his eyes, before holding out a plate for Usopp with a nonchalant expression and a grunt and Law had wondered not for the first time if the man was clinically bi-polar or if his personality was just that weird. The nonchalance had melted when Nami called out to him, he’d asked joyously if she wanted him to feed her snack to her then crumpled into despair when she politely declined but said a new spoon to replace the one she’d dropped would be lovely. Huh, maybe manic-depressive? 

He would have consulted the ship’s doctor on the matter, however – because this was the Straw Hats ship – Chopper seemed only to be aware of the fact he was the doctor when there was no actual need for one. And he hid the wrong way round when startled, but that was by the by. It was also probably a bad move to put ideas in his head with regards to the mental health of his Nakama. He was a little highly strung and had a tendency to transform from a cute little fluff ball into a large monster when worried over his crewmates. Law had wondered if this was due to his tender age or if it was simply a reindeer thing. And then he’d wanted to scream because that had been a serious contemplation on his part.

Their sharpshooter was notable for a few things, most prominently his nose, and Law had caught himself with horror pondering such preposterous things as whether the elongated feature somehow helped his impressive aim one morning while the man was tinkering with his ammunition. Oblivious to Law’s horrified state, he’d proceeded to pour the red liquid contents of one vial into the blue contents of another and nodded with a pleased grin as the resulting mixture had, inexplicably, turned yellow. Law had been unable to quite restrain a choked sort of whimper.

The navigator had proven herself to be the second most terrifying crew member over time. Law didn’t know how it happened but within a day of the temporary alliance he found himself in serious debt to her. He’d been trying to figure it out with no luck but the way she said it sounded so certain and absolute that he couldn’t help but believe her. She used a lot of terms he hadn’t heard before, such as compound stamp duty interest rates, and as such could not refute. 

She’d offered to draw him up a statement that would fully explain everything to him, but he wasn’t sure he could afford the service and had politely, resignedly declined. He didn’t know what strange and terrifying powers she had that enabled her to give Luffy – a rubberman who should be impervious to blunt force trauma – lumps from her fists but he was pretty sure it wasn’t Haki and beyond that he’d decided he probably didn’t want to know and definitely didn’t want firsthand experience of.

On a normal ship, the least intimidating crewmember was likely to be the archaeologist (assuming, for one moment, that this position even existed on most normal ships), but not so on the Thousand Sunny. Oh no. Here, the archaeologist was hands down the most terrifying Straw Hat. She even gave Law chills and he prided himself on being pretty damn terrifying in his own right. She had never threatened him, never aimed anything at him other than a kind little smile, and yet she sort of had this aura about her. 

Perhaps it was that her poise and grace reminded him of a beautiful but predatory animal, or the way she smiled that same smile as she casually spoke the most morbid things he’d ever heard in honeyed tones, Law didn’t know. The only thing he was sure of in regards to Nico Robin was that he was not going to go out of his way to get on her bad side. He didn’t even want to hear why the giant, burly, cyborg shipwright whimpered and clutched his groin protectively whenever she crossed her arms while facing him, he was pretty sure it’d mentally scar him for life.

And what a nonsensical clusterfuck the shipwright was. Setting aside the whole cyborg thing for a minute, what the hell was with the loud tropical shirts? And, more importantly, for the love of all things holy, why speedos? Why on earth would he build himself a hair-style changing nose? Why did he have an entire attack based solely on fart-power? Why was everything super? Why was the burliest member of the crew so disturbingly prone to floods of emotional tears? Pretty much, whenever he thought of Franky, the one thing circling endless through his mind was just... why?

And then there was the ship’s musician; an eight-foot perverted skeleton that seemed programmed to fart explosively at the precise moment that any dramatic tension Law had been carefully building was about to reach its peak.

Actually, far too many of their key strategies so far had involved breaking wind for Law’s tastes now he came to think of it. Law sighed and commanded his mind not to ponder that one too long, or indeed if the phrase ‘wanted dead or alive’ was somehow a trick question when applied to Brook. Yo ho ho ho.

Trafalgar Law, Surgeon of Death and feared Shichibukai, whimpered softly and clutched his sword a little tighter, just managing to keep his face a stoic mask. He prayed to any gods, deities and nearby water spirits that might be able to hear him that he made it through this stint with the straw hats with his sanity intact. He was losing hope a little more every day. Just this morning he’d caught himself almost chuckling when Usopp had set himself on fire and he and Chopper had chased each other in circles round the deck, both screaming desperately for a doctor.


	2. Straw Hat Dictionary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I added a second chapter as people seemed to like the first one, so this is for everyone that reviewed, favourited or followed, thank you for your kindness – I hope it’s not a disappointment. This, like the previous chapter, is resolutely not to be taken seriously. Reviews and constructive criticism would be very much appreciated and as always thank you for taking the time to read my stuff whether or not you like, follow, review or favourite :) I don’t expect responses but any that are received believe me are treasured – if you notice a typo or grammatical glitch I would love to know about it and would consider it a compliment to have it reported :)

# Straw Hat Dictionary

 

Law wasn’t entirely sure what dictionary the Straw Hats were running with. Whatever its origin it was, resolutely, not a standard edition. It seemed to be lacking a vast number of words and the ones it did include had decidedly scrambled definitions.

 

A short time into their alliance Law had begun compiling his own mental copy of the “Straw Hat Dictionary”. This wasn’t an activity he began for fun but an attempt to learn that special brand of Straw Hat logic that most people would classify as insanity so he might be able to perhaps not quite rationalise but at least predict with some accuracy what bonkers thing they were going to say or do next.

 

This goal was still very much a work in progress.

 

It was also an activity that required precision control; a little insight could go a long way after all. He wanted to understand them better, but not sympathise: Law decided almost immediately that to sympathise with the Straw Hat frame of mind was a dangerous proposition indeed. He might take on some of their more questionable personality traits or something and that way madness lurked. He had to keep it detached and clinical.

 

**_Hierarchy_** ; It had all started with the word “ **hierarchy** ”. All crews that Law knew of, pirate, Marine or otherwise, had this concept and it was absolute in terms of definition and implementation – there was no wiggle-room and there were no special cases where a ranking member of the crew could be overruled. As with many words and concepts on the Thousand Sunny, the Straw Hat crew took the generally accepted definition of a hierarchy, gleefully turned it upside down and inside out then pointed at it and giggled from afar as it flopped around in distress.

 

Navigating all the bylaws, loopholes and provisos that went with defining the Straw Hat pecking order required a manual all its own.

 

Luffy as the Captain was in general overall charge, true, but there were so many exceptions that went with the whole “having final say in where they went and what they did” thing it wasn’t even funny. For example, if a captain of another crew demanded his ships’ cook make him a snack at any time of the day or night, he’d get a damn snack. On the Thousand Sunny, he was just as likely to get an impression of a dress shoe left in his face; the sort of impression that lingered for hours, not seconds.

 

And heaven help him if he did anything untoward with the ships’ finances. In that respect Nami was in absolute charge; captain or no captain, if it put its filthy hands on her treasure without a good reason it was going to live the rest of its short and pitiful life in abject regret.

 

She was the undisputed navigator on this ship. Much to her horror she had little say in where the Straw Hats went, but she did have absolute control in how they got there. If she ran out on deck and began barking orders, everyone jumped to obey them without the slightest hesitation, whimsical captains and grumpy swordsmen included. The first time this happened Law had been somewhat sceptical, though ten minutes later when a massive cyclone of death and damnation had appeared in the exact spot they had previously been headed for he found himself looking at Nami with a newfound respect. Next time she started barking orders about sails and lines even he had rushed to obey her without thought or question.

 

Law had never seen Robin give something so demanding as an order, but if she did he was pretty sure she would be obeyed both without hesitance and immediately. Let’s just say Law wouldn’t be the one to challenge her authority muscles should she ever feel the need to flex them.

 

But here was the thing; Robin may not be the oldest Straw Hat but she was definitely the most mature and at first Law had thought her the most likely to undermine the Captain’s authority whether intentionally or not. However, while somehow managing to maintain the poise and quiet dignity he had come to associate with her, Robin had turned out to be the one most likely to follow orders from any of her fellow Straw Hats. Well, the ones that fell above a certain threshold of stupidity at least; she was apparently not about to make a complete idiot of herself, though Law had discovered that she was more than willing to go along with a fair amount of ridiculousness than he would have first thought. Devil Child Nico Robin was not quite so above it all as one might guess.

 

He had assumed Zoro was the second in command at first, an assumption he had since discovered was common to outsiders once they had worked out he wasn’t the captain. On closer association though, Law had come to the conclusion that putting Zoro in charge of anything other than kicking arse and taking names was a tactical blunder of apocalyptic proportions. Now, while he was, in his defence, very good at kicking arse and taking names, it had become clear quickly that it was important in particular to keep him the hell away from anything involving directions. The man navigated by clouds for heaven’s sake and thought “up” and “north” were interchangeable.

 

And good luck with convincing the ship’s cook to take orders from this supposed first mate. Sanji took orders from Luffy occasionally – always when they were serious in their delivery – and without fail from women. This wouldn’t be so bad if this was limited to female Straw Hats, but apparently he was subservient to any female in the vicinity; enemy, ally or random passer-by alike. This added a layer of complexity to everything and was frankly infuriating. The number of times they’d had to fish the man out of a brothel was staggering given that Law had only stopped with them at maybe two ports. The fact that never once did he appear to be doing anything more lascivious in those brothels than cooking up a feast for the lady residents there while intermittently suffering epic nosebleeds was even more staggering.

 

After seeing Black-Leg Sanji in action on the battlefield it was easy to assume he had been recruited as an exceptional fighter who happened to also know his way round a galley. It was only after a period of observation that it became clear it had actually been the other way round; he had been recruited as a first class chef who also happened to kick arse with flair, great aplomb and a jauntily angled cigarette.

 

The kitchen was Sanji’s lair, food his domain and nutrition his undisputed area of authority. The true value of his meals shone through in the health and wellbeing of the crew – there was no scurvy on this ship, no deficiencies in vitamins, minerals or anything else that could go wrong in meeting dietary needs and he somehow managed to achieve balanced nutrition while also catering to the tastes of every crew member. His true area of expertise was somewhat overshadowed by his fighting abilities, but as a captain himself, Law couldn’t help but notice and admire this sort-of-hidden skill.

 

Chopper shared responsibility for the general health and wellbeing of the crew with the cook. He was the ship’s doctor and the resident medical authority, though Luffy, Sanji and especially Zoro tended to disregard his advice as soon as they regained consciousness and the ability to remove their own bandages. Those three were in a league of their own and definitely classifiable as monstrous in Law’s opinion, and as a doctor himself did not envy Chopper’s role one little bit. It couldn’t be easy when the patients were so uncooperative.

 

Chopper mixed all manner of potions and remedies and his knowledge was far more extensive than mere anatomy. He did indeed treat the big and dramatic wounds, but also the trifling things too. The little reindeer could sense a mild condition coming on a mile away and managed to treat any sort of affliction almost before the symptoms were known to the afflicted.

 

Franky was a law unto himself and a menace to all those around him. Though also, he was uncontested in his role as shipwright. He may not have the sense to know that speedos were not the best look for him but when it came to anything structural he was trusted implicitly. Fashion sense aside, he was the one that kept the Thousand Sunny running and operational and he did a horrifically good job. Law was frankly shocked and left gaping at how the man-slash-cyborg-slash-pervert could be so very adept at his job.

 

In regard to orders, Franky followed the ones he found most “super”; if no orders at the time sounded “super” enough he made up his own. Law had long since given up trying to follow his logic in these cases – he was pretty sure the day that he did understand it would also mark the day he was ready to be committed to an institution that served its dinners with the kind of plastic cutlery sets that had sporks but no knives.

 

Usopp was in charge of shooting things from a distance, lying and setting himself (and others) on fire. He was the easiest to understand in these terms, the one constant that could be relied upon and Law was grateful for his steadfast cowardice. He always deferred to the command of the scariest person present – if more than one scary person gave him differing orders, he hid behind Zoro.

 

Brook was in charge of entertainment, specifically music, and as far as Law could tell, making a prat of himself at every possible opportunity. If it was possibly wearing panties, the skeletal musician would ask to see them and then be brained by the navigator and/or cook for his troubles. It was just the way of things.

 

So, the term “Hierarchy” was suitably butchered, and it was not the only word Law found himself needing to redefine in face of Straw Hat Logic. Not by a long shot.

 

**_Forethought_** was one of the words that was missing entirely. For devil fruit users who couldn’t swim and were in serious peril of drowning, Luffy, Brook and Chopper spent an alarming amount of their time overboard. Even more alarming was the percentage of these suicide excursions that resulted from them jumping over the railings by themselves of their own free will. One would fall overboard by accident then the other two would panic and dive in after them, leaving all three in need of being rescued by someone who could, you know, actually freaking swim.

 

**_Alliance_** was a word that was defined, in all dictionaries that he was aware of, as being a mutual thing. _Mutual!_ As in, both parties agreed to it. The Straw Hat dictionary, however, seemed to state that this whole alliance thing need only be one-sided to be valid.

 

Once you were in an alliance with Luffy, there was no getting out of it. You were his friend – a status which brought as many joys as sorrows – and that was that. You had no choice or option to refute the friendship, whether you wanted to or not and whether it was beneficial to Luffy and his Straw Hats or not.

 

**_Compromise_**. This word was included in the dictionary, but the definition was not extensive. Law had learned the stories of how a number of the Straw Hats had joined up in a bid to gain intel on Luffy, and these had only reinforced how the captain viewed this subject.

 

Sanji had told him how he’d declined Luffy’s invitation at first only to have Luffy come back with: ‘I refuse your refusal’. This pretty much summed up Luffy and his Star Hat’s whole attitude to compromise. Law was certain this was the entire and only definition for it in the Straw Hat Dictionary; ‘Compromise: I refuse your refusal’.

 

**_Strategy_**. Oh god, _strategy_. Law was convinced that Luffy grasped the concept but chose to wilfully disregard any sort of plan that didn’t suit his whims at any given second.

 

The Straw Hat captain had very much attended the blunt force trauma school of strategy. It was not a particularly advanced curriculum from an intellectual standpoint and tended to leave every mouth in the area hanging open in wake of its execution.

 

Whether the jaws were dropped from awe or incredulity were just about even odds. Whenever Law happened upon a situation where more than three bystanders were gaping off in the same direction with their eyes popping out of their sockets his first thought these days was a mildly interested _‘huh, what did Luffy do now?’_.

 

**_Diplomacy_**. Law had heard the horror stories regarding Luffy’s absolute lack of tact. The only reason he didn’t dismiss them as overblown fiction was because he’d seen enough of it first hand to know never to underestimate Luffy’s ability to say the worst thing possible at the worst possible time. Pica of the squeaky falsetto sprang instantly to mind.

 

And so Law had the first draft of the Straw Hat Dictionary typed up in his head but refused to actually write it out. As a literary work it probably wouldn’t garner much interest outside a certain specific crew, so there would be no point in penning his thoughts. No one would believe him anyway.

 

Still, he couldn’t help but keep a copy in his head. Sailing away from Dressrosa with all his personal demons laid to rest **_and_** his life inexplicably intact, Law just couldn’t help but hold a special place in his heart for the mental copy of his Straw Hat Dictionary. As a big, scary Schichi-bukai he would happily die a horrible death before admitting this though, just so you know.

 

**Author's Note:**

> This is pure fluff and nonsense and not to be taken seriously – a bit of fun based on a friend of mine’s reactions after I subjected her to One Piece for the first time and me wondering if Law may have had any of the same thoughts in secret. I came away laughing my arse off, my friend came away with a vaguely confused expression and a query of ‘hey, did that just really happen?’
> 
> Law is brilliant as a straight man to Luffy and Co’s insanity after all – even Gin-san would be proud (bonus points to anyone who gets that reference).
> 
> I found it on my hard drive the other day and thought I would post it as a first foray into this fandom. It made me chuckle on re-reading though I’m sure it’s been done a thousand times before, so I hope it can raise a smile at least for anyone kind enough to read.
> 
> Reviews and constructive criticism very much appreciated – I really mean that too, I take care to spellcheck and what have you (figure it’s the least I can do as a writer) but if you see a typo or grammatical glitch I would love to know about it. I take that sort of thing as the highest compliment as I only bother noting stuff like myself that in fics I really like.


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